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'Friendship recession' is boosting risk of suicide among older men in New Jersey

By: Gene Myers
NorthJersey.com
USA Today Network - New Jersey

..... Shrinking social lives, career disruption and emotional isolation: experts warn that men in midlife face a disproportionate threat. they are the more likely group to die by suicide.
..... In 2022, New Jersey recorded a suicide rate of 7.7 deaths per 100,000 residents, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. New Jersey typically sits at the bottom of these rantings, experts say, The national rate is 14.2 per 100,000.
..... Michael Tozzoli, CEO of West Bergen Mental Healthcare in Bergen County, said these statistics reflect the Garden State's abundance of counselors and its dearth of guns.
..... Yet the risk spiked sharply for one group: men approaching retirement. At 13.1 suicide deaths per 100,000, that rate nearly doubles for male New Jerseyans age 55 to 59.
..... Nationwide, the disparities are even more striking. In 2022, the most recent data available, U.S. men died by suicide at about four times the rate of women - 22.9 per 100,000 compared with 5.9 per 100,000, CDC statistics show.
..... And men age 75 and older had the highest suicide rate of any demographic group, at an estimated 43.9 per 100,000.
..... What's behind these numbers? They reflect a pattern, Tozzoli said. Men tend to shed friends as life progresses. They gradually lose emotional ties and fail to replenish them. First to go are the friends they made at kids' soccer games and family activities. Then comes retirement.
..... "Men very much conflate their identity with their profession," Tozzoli said. "We climb the ladder in our 40s and 50s but if we lose our job or retire, we often have a hard time standing back up and moving forward. Those connections fall away."
..... Additionally, men often rely heavily on a spouse or partner for support and don't maintain other meaningful friendships.
..... "If something happens to that one person - a divorce, a death - they're left with very few supports," he said. "And those risks get worst with age."
..... Picture 1 o-clock at the Daily Treat, a local diner in Ridgewood.
..... "There are three or four men at the table having lunch and two tables down there are three or four women ahivng lunch. Typically women are going to be talking about themselves, their families and their relationships.,' Tozzoli said.
..... "They are going to talk about what's going well and what's not going well," he said. "Now compare the conversations at the table of guys. We are talking about sports, the weather and when we are going on vacation. We tend to stay safe in our conversations. We are not going to go as deep and we also don't invest in our relationship."

Losing work connections

..... Middle-aged and older men often endure what social scientists call the "friendship recession," stated the Washington , D. C.-based Survey Center on American Life in 2021.
..... As they retire, divorce or see children leave home, many men lose their ties they forged through work and shared activities. Loneliness can escalate without a strong network of friends - and so can the risk of suicide.
..... In 2021, the suicide rate for U.S. men ages 55-64 reached 23.6 per 100,000, according to the CDC. The rate rises further with age: 38.2 for men 75 to 84, and 55.7 for those 85 and older.
..... emotional isolation often builds quietly over time and many not be recognized by friends or family until it becomes acute.
..... People think of suicide risk in terms of mental health or trauma, and those matter, Tozzoli said. But so does the slow erosion of connections and the sense o floss that can accrue over time.
..... "For many men, there career is a big part of who they are -a big part of their purpose in life," added Wendy Sefcik of Montville, chair of the New Jersey chapter of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. "When that goes away, it becomes really difficult to fill those gaps"

Warning signs and solutions

..... Warning signs of suicidal thoughts can include feeling hopeless, trapped or like a burden; withdrawing from friends and activities; changes in sleep or eating habits; drugs; and expressing a desire to die, according to the National Institute of Mental Health.
..... If you know someone deeply, trust yourself when you think there is something different about them, Tozzoli said.
..... "My husband used to play golf regularly and he doesn't anymore," he said. "There is a withdrawing form previously enjoyed activities."
..... If There's one thing Tozzoli wants people to remember, it;s to not be afraid total to someone if you think they are having trouble. People are afraid to ask if they are considering suicide because they don't want to "plant a seed,"" he acknowledged. But, "The research and the data say it so completely the opposite."
..... Just asking someone brings the risk down "markedly," he said.
..... Sefcik agreed and emphasized the importance of using direct language. "We don't want to say. "Are you thinking of hurting yourself?' because someone in deep pain may not see suicide as harm - they may see it as relief," she said. "The better question is 'Are you thinking of killing yourself?' That opens the door for honest conversation."
..... She added: "we know from research that just asking the question - calmly and directly - helps reduce risk. It's like releasing pressure from a balloon. It gives someone permission total about their pain without judgment."
..... In Bergen county and throughout New Jersey, several programs are available to support mental health and suicide prevention. Through the Bergen County Division of Mental Health and Addiction Services, free trainings such as "QPR," short for Question, Persuade, Refer and Mental Health First Aid are ofter in workplaces, schools, libraries and community groups, said Sefcik, who leads many of the programs.

Investing in friends

..... How can men steel themselves against loneliness and depression as they age? Daniel A, Cox's article "American Men Suffer a Friendship Recession" from the Survey Center on American Life offer advice.
..... "We should rededicate time to foster friendship, at work, in our neighborhoods, and even Online. Few investments provide such an immediate and enduring reward while entailing so little risk," wrote Cox, who directs the center.
..... Friendship take time and men tend to devote less time to them in middle age than in adolescence, he noted. he cited psychotherapist Robert Garfield's observation hat men :stash their friendships away" and don't maintain regular contact. That means they miss out on the benefits of consistent support.

..... The CDC advises: "If you are in crisis, call or text the 988 Suicide & crisis Lifeline at 988, available 24 hours ad day, seven days a week. The Lifeline provides confidential support to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Support is also available via live chat."

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