If your child is a bully, psychologist says gently find out why

By: Gene Myers
NorthJersey.com
USA Today Network - New Jersey

..... Bullying has become all too common in schools across the country.
..... Ocean County's [NJ] Adriana Kuch, 14, who took her own life last month [02/2023] after being bullied in the halls of Central Regional High School in Bayville, [NJ] was far from alone in her plight, according to national surveys. Across the U.S., 22% of students ages 12 to 18 reported being bullied at school in 2019, according to the National Center for Education Statistics.
..... In New Jersey Kuch's death has led to pleas for action from parents and educators. State lawmakers are considering a variety of reforms, including "mental health days" for students and more instruction in how to cope with grief and depression.
..... There's been less discussion of how to help students on the other side of the equation, those tagged as bullies or who seem to be sliding toward more aggressive behavior.
..... NorthJersey.com and the USA Today Network - New Jersey surveyed mental health experts and found this advice:

State a conversation

..... "Bring it to the child openly and honestly, being transparent," child psychologist Michael Tozzoli said, adding that parents should be let children know what the school said. But the approach should be gentle, he said, with open-ended questions like "So what's gong on?" Focus on what is happening from your child's perspective. Do "a lot of listening.
..... "Really try to figure out the why behind the bullying," said Tozzli, who is CEO of West Bergen Mental Health care, a regional behavioral health organization based in Ridgewood. [NJ] "It it a relationship issue between the bully and the bullied that's not playing out well?"

Causes of bullying

..... Bullying is often about someone being different, and that makes the bully uncomfortable Tozzoli said.
..... "That's hard for the bully to manage," he said. "that might be a racial difference or sexual orientation difference or gender or age. It's a matter of how that bully understands the difference, and how they express that in an aggressive way."
..... People often act differently in groups, so a child who wouldn't normally bully or harass someone on their own might feel emboldened in a crowd or with their friends, Tozzoli said.
..... That's especially true in middle school and early high school, when kids are experiencing the dynamics of in- and out-groups in a new way.
..... Questions such as "So how are things going with your friends?" and "Do you ever run into problem?" are ways to figure out what's happening when your child is out of sight.
..... Along the same lines, experts urge parents to know their child's school environment.
..... Stay involved in their academic and social life. Encouraging them to make friends with different types of people can also help to foster exclusivity and reduce bullying, according to the government's StopBullying.gov website.

Parents set the tone

..... Parents who exhibit aggressive behavior are more likely to have kids who bully. So it's important for them to model positive behaviors such as empathy, kindness and conflict resolution, advises the greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley.
..... How are intense feelings experienced in the home? Wat does it look like when you're having a difficult or uncomfortable conversation? Are you stepping forward? Stepping back? Are you afraid? do you get loud as a family?
..... "That's not necessarily a bad thing. Just be aware," Tozzoli said. "Spend some time reflecting on how your strong negative feelings are expressed. What does that literally look like? How would I know in your house that you're having a difficult conversation? Be aware of how you express frustration."
..... With children who bully, "there's often something going on at home or something in their life where they feel powerless, they feel out of control," Tozzoli said.
..... "They feel like they don't really understand and they have difficulty expressing their feelings in a healthy way. So they flip the script and go the opposite way."

Learning to communicate

..... Giving a child an avenue to express themselves is key. Mental health experts note bullies often have trouble articulating their feelings, They may not even be aware of their feelings, Tozzoli said.
..... "It could be I'm feeling frustrated or I'm feeling angry" and sometimes it just might be "I feel a little tension in my chest; I feel muscles tightening up," he said.
..... Helping your child understand their feelings and how to express them can go a long way, Tozzoli said. But he added, don't forget to reach out to a professional when things get serious.
..... "Many schools have counseling, and that can be a really easy venues to get someone to see a counselor for a number of sessions, just to kind of really figure out the why, because there's usually something brewing," he said.
..... "The detective part is to figure out what's really going on and then to deal with it."

..... If you or someone you know needs mental health support, you can contract the national Suicided & Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988.

What boys and girls say about bullying:

..... According to the National Center for Educational Statistics:

* More boys report being bullied physically than girls (6% vs. 4%).

* Girls are more likely to say they are the subjects of rumors (18% vs 9%).

* Girls are more likely to be excluded from activities on purpose than boys (7% vs. 17%).

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