So, nobody wants an ICE detention center
By: Rex Huppke
USA Today
..... Hello. I'm from the government, and I'd like to see what it's going to take to get you and your community into one of our lovely new immigrant detention facilities!
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That's right, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security is on a $38 billion spending spree, scooping up warehouses across the country and revamping them into state-of-the-art-ish storage centers for people we have been working tirelessly to dehumanize.
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Oh, wait, on second though, maybe we should just use that money to fund social programs that help feed and house people.
..... HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA! Of course we're not going to do that!
..... No, our goal is to increase the federal immigration detention capacity by more than 90,000 beds, and we're excited to start doing that as soon as you welcome one of our cuelty-forward human-being warehouses into your backyard.
..... That's where we've run into unexpected bit of trouble.
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It turns out not every community in America wants a patriotic detention facility, which is weird, because, seriously, they're really cool and not at all the physical manifestation of a barbaric federal effort to fundamentally reshape the demographic makeup of America into something less ... ummmmmm ... Let's say "deserve."
..... On February 16, [2026] the owners of a massive Hutchins, Texas, warehouse outside Dallas released a statement saying their company "has not and will not enter into any agreement for the purchase or lease of any building to the Department of Homeland Security for sue as a detention facility."
..... Rude.
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In Berks County, Pennsylvania, residents across the political spectrum are protesting a proposed U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement warehouse in Texas, the El Paso City Council has directed the city's attorney to look into ways to block the development of new ICE facilities.
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The Town Council in Merrillville, Indiana, has formally opposed any detention facilities, with council President Rick Bella saying: "We are making it clear now that a detention or processing facility does not align with Merilliville's values, planning standards or vision for the future."
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Hey, your loss, Rick! where some see a site for crimes against humanity, we see a site-for-crimes-against-humanity-portunity.
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In January, [2026] the City Council in Kansas City, Missouri, passed a moratorium on any detention facilities.
..... The owners of Salt Lake City warehouse swiftly knocked down rumors that they were going to sell the property to the federal government. A similar thing happened in Oklahoma City. and Ashland, Virginia.
..... And a warehouse in Byhalia, Mississippi, that we thought would make a super 8,500-bed immigrant storage space was knocked down after pressure from that community and from Republican Sean tor Roger Wicker.
..... You'd almost think some Americans say they like the idea of mass deportation right up until someone proposes a building in there hometown that highlights the aberrant cruelty of mass deportation. that's disappointing. We thought out our anti-immigant propaganda had largely wiped out empathy.
..... Back to the drawing board, an I rights!?
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Anyhoo, let's get back to getting you and your America-loving community revved up about green-lighting one of our definitely not-a-concentration-camp detention facilities.
..... For starters, we want to assure you all warehouse converted to federal Immigration facilities come complete with wailing-in-sorrow-proof walls and, importantly NO WINDOWS, so you can easily drive by without getting even a glimpse of state-sponsored human suffering.
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You can go about your day or head to church on Sundays, safe in the knowledge that your tax dollars are being well spent housing previously hardworking people whom government officials have chosen to label" "criminals."
..... If one of your children asks, "what happens in that dreary building with all the sharp fence around it?" you can say, "Oh, nothing dear. That's just where America gets made great again."
..... And when they say, "then why are those little kids being led into the building crying?" you can turn up the radio and keep driving.
..... See? that's not so hard, is it?
..... Now, won't you please host one of our highly moral detention centers? Please? We're getting a little desperate here.
..... Follow USA today columnist Rex Huppke on bluesky at @rexhuppkebsky.spocial and on Facebook at facebook.com/rexIsAJerk