Solving the great New Jersey drone mystery
By: Peter Pietrangelo
USA Today Network: and Getty Images
..... the hysteria over mysterious drone sightings in and around New Jersey has reached a fever pitch, leaving people along the East Coast and across the country asking the same question: Which Online conspiracy theory should I believe? I have the answer. You should believe mine. Which I'll get to in a moment. Some have speculated the drones are urn by a foreign adversary hoping to glean information about, I assume, American turnpike design and maintenance or suburban industrial-odor tolerance. Others mainly me - initially thought it might be the beginning of a hostile power's plot to rob us of our most treasure natural resource - Bruce Springsteen. I dubbed it. "Operation Thunder Road," then realized that was silly since they might actual be after Jon Bon Jovi. so I renamed it "Operation You Give Drones a Bad Name" before scrapping the whole idea and moving on.
..... Theorists have wandered from"Is Russia up to something?" to "Has Antifia developed drone technology?" At the same time, government officials tired to reassure the public it's probably all a bunch of wahoos in New Jersey who think they see drones when they're really seeing other stuff, like airplanes or stars or sparks for exploding Teslas and whatnot.
..... In a joint statement, the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security said: "Historically, we have experienced cases of mistaken identity, where reported drones are, in fact, manned aircraft or facilities."
..... That's a red flag. Of course the feds are going to deny the seams of giant drones hat have come to either do us harm or deliver our Amazon packages.
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The government opened up a bit more Sunday [112/15/2024] when Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas told ABC News: "There's no question that people are seeing drones."
..... AH-HAH! I knew it.
..... Mayorkas continued: "I want to assure the American public that we in the federal government have deployed additional resources, personnel, technology to assist in New Jersey State Police in addressing the drone sightings."
..... Oh, great. the government, which I don't trust, will take care of the drones, which I also don't trust. Perfect.
.....
Fortunately, because I pay attention and do my own research from the confines of my backyard think tank, I managed to unravel the truth about these mystery objects.
..... On Fox News, a network I've never known to lie about anything, a Democratic congressman for Connecticut accidentally spilled the tea in a Sunday [12/15/2024] interview.
..... "Now, let me say something that I know with confidence, "Representative James Himes said. "It is not the Iranians."
.....
OK, it's definitely the Iranians.
..... He went on: "It is not the Chinese."
..... Got it. So we're talking about some kind of Iranian/Chinese combo spy?
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Then Himes let the big truth fly: "They aren't Martians."
..... Mom, freeze the meatloaf, ' cause I'm not coming in for dinner tonight. "We're got swarms of Chinese-Iranian Martians taking control of the airspace over New Jersey and the government has been lying to us!
..... Himes also said: "I know that's very unsatisfying for people who want a Hollywood movie out of this."
..... Buddy, I've seen enough Hollywood movies to know you're lying though your teeth. You think there;s no way people living in a country where facts have been rendered utterly meaningless will believe that Chinese-Iranian Martians are flying drone-style spacecraft above. Asbury Park [NJ] looking to abduct hardworking Americans? That is quite literally ALL I'm willing to believe. And if you or anyone else presents "proof" that the drones aren't Chinese-Iranian Martian origin, I will call it a lie and launch an award-winning podcast about your elaborate cover-up.
..... Heck, America is about to put a guy who still thinks vaccines cause autism in charge of the nation's health. I'm pretty sure the border populace isn't going to spend much time doubling the drones-from-outer-space theory.
..... so the next time your hear some rumbling or mumbling about the East Coast drone sightings, remember it was I who first told you THE TRUTH.
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I"m not suer yet what the Chinese-Iranian Martian invaders have in store for us. But I imagine we'll figure it out as soon as we read a wholly unsupported yet trustworthy theory that aligns precisely with what we desperately want to believe
..... Follow USA Today columnist Rex Huppke on Bluiesky at @rexhuppkebsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk.